What It’s Like to Have ADHD as a Grown Woman
A million tabs open in your brain, but can rarely check things off your mental “to do” list.
Feeling defeated because you “can’t keep up”
Read a paragraph several times to understand it because your mind was wandering.
Start projects, but often have no motivation to finish them.
Difficulty completing boring and mundane tasks.
Emotionally charged and easily upset.
Can get obsessed with a task/activity and get upset if you’re interrupted
These are just a couple signs of ADD/ADHD.
First, let’s break it down.
This is a good time to note that I am no medical doctor. I’m sharing my experiences.
What is ADD/ADHD?
ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder
ADHD: Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Before 1994, if you were diagnosed, it would have been called ADD, but now, the technical diagnosis is ADHD.
BUT there are different categories:
1. ADHD- hyperactive-impulsive
2. ADHD- inattentive type
3. Combination ADHD
Here are some key points from a study I came across
Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is more common in adults and is usually recognized in family practice. About 3% to 6% of the adult population is affected. The multitude of psychosocial problems that stem from ADD make it important for family doctors to recognize and treat it.
About half of ADD patients have comorbid conditions, such as mood disorders (depression, bipolar affective disorders, dysthymia), anxiety, addictions, or personality disorders.
Diagnosis can be made by asking specific questions, (eg, difficulties concentrating, completing tasks), using self-rating scales, or applying criteria from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV) or from other sources.
Management approaches work best if they integrate education, building self-esteem, behaviour modification, providing structure, family support, and medication.
Different in Girls & Boys
Here’s a mind blowing article (or, at least it was for me) on the negative effects ADHD have on girls/women.
Don’t want to read the article? I pulled my favorite parts.
“Unlike boys, many of whom show hyperactivity, girls’ symptoms veer more toward inattentiveness and disorganization. Girls tend to develop ADHD later than boys. They frequently mask it in an attempt to conform to society’s expectation that they be on the ball and organized. And while some ADHD symptoms can become less intense for boys after they pass through puberty, for many girls, it gets worse.”
“ADHD is a chronic neurobiological disorder which affects the brain structurally and chemically, as well as the ways in which various parts of the brain communicate with one another. It is highly heritable”
“Pressure to perform means many girls internalize their symptoms—disorganization or carelessness—as personal flaws rather than medical issues to be treated through medicine and therapy.
Girls with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience major depression, anxiety, and eating disorders than girls without. “They tend to have few friendships,” Littman says. “As a result of their low self-esteem, they often choose unhealthy relationships in which they may accept punitive criticism and or abuse.””
MY STORY
So.. here’s my story. Sharing because it may resonate with you. Again, not medical advice- just my story.
I was a kindergarten teacher, in graduate school and my boyfriend (now husband) at the time would always make comments about how I wrote a paper. I literally would start it a week before it was due and it would take SO long to write it. I would have to get up several times in a paragraph; it would take me hours a night just to get a couple paragraphs written because I had no motivation to do it.
Anyway, that’s how I’ve ALWAYS written papers since I can remember. Even when I was little and my mom would have me sit down and write Thank You’s for my birthday party, it would take me several days, as I would have to do a couple a day.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was eight and took medication on and off throughout childhood and adolescence…. So I figured he probably knew what he was talking about.
One day, I googled signs of ADHD in women and I clicked on a list that said something along the lines of “20 signs of women with ADHD.” I laughed because I think I answered yes to Every. Single. One.
I thought it was a joke because “doesn’t everyone feel this way”?? I clicked on article after article. It was all the same.
Sooooo.. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor, who had known me forever. Told her my story. She referred me to a Psychologist- which was SUPER interesting. He gave me an IQ test and then a test for ADHD.
The ADHD test was really interesting. It was quick- all on a computer. A number would flash on the screen, then a voice would say a number. IF those two numbers matched, you clicked the mouse. If those numbers were different, you did nothing.
Side note: there’s actually a way to tell if you cheated or not because the psychologist said teenagers come in there all the time and try to fail the test to get prescribed adderall. haha!
“I totally rocked that test!” -me, after taking the test
“You totally didn’t”- the test
If you’re in the field of teaching or education, you know that you need a 22 point difference between an IQ test and another test to show enough of a discrepancy to receive special education services. For example, in order to receive special services for speech therapy, your speech test score has to be at least 22 point lower than your IQ test score.
The difference between my two scores was 61.
So, obviously, I had ADHD. and bad.
How had I been surviving for so long with such bad ADHD? We’ll get to that later.
Long story short, I tried a slew of different medications and dosages. I didn’t like it. It messed with my sleep, even when I took it in the morning. But, I ultimately settled with 5mg of adderall in the morning (which is a pretty small dose), but it was enough to wear off at night so I could sleep.
The benefits of it were great- I felt like my head was less full, my mind was quieter. I could focus on the task at hand. Projects got finished, my work space was more tidy.
I stopped taking it because my husband and I started trying to get pregnant and it was a big adjustment at first, but I found that a couple cups of coffee worked well for me.
How did I have ADHD all those years and not get diagnosed?
Well, the signs were there all along. My reading scores on my test, especially comprehension, were always lower compared to my math scores. I always excelled at math and didn’t enjoy reading and writing because it was SUCH a task.
I asked my doctor that. How was I not diagnosed sooner? She said two main points that really stuck with me and I have to thank my parents for both of them: genetics and a predictable structured home life.
1. I was smart. I was in the gifted program as a kid. So, I was able to compensate in other areas. And even though my reading score was low for me, it was still an average score. So, that never got flagged.
2. My home: loving, supportive, nurturing, structured. All things that kids, and especially kids with ADHD need to thrive.
Fast forward to a graduate degree, marriage, and two kids later, and I still have ADHD. I’m not taking medication (but may again in the future).
An average day for me can be really difficult
It’s hard to remember to not interrupt someone talking, stay focused on a conversation, focus on one task at a time, look people in the eyes, not be fidgety when someone is talking, etc. I feel like I have 20 million tabs open in my head. All. the time. I can get obsessive with projects and get short with my kids when they interrupt me.
BUT, I’ve been using A LOT of coping mechanisms for a long time and they still work for me today.
My daily coping strategies:
Writing everything down- either in a note on my phone or in one of my 4 notebooks I have laying around (all four different topics)
Lists on lists on lists
Setting alarms/timers
Keeping a schedule/routine (which can be super hard when you’re a SAHM)
Planning out my week ahead of time
Plan to leave the house 15 minutes before I need to
Setting my car keys and purse in the SAME spot every time I walk in the door
Dedicated “me time”
Keep caffeine limited- I drink matcha in the morning, as it gives me a better focus than coffee. It’s more subtle and no PM crash.
Healthy eating- limiting sugar (learn what works for your body)
Boundaries- help keep the crap out and stay focused
Working out- staying active is a game changer
Communication with significant other
Allow myself grace with failures- failing is a learning opportunity
Allow myself to not feel guilty if my house (or car) is a mess.
Meditation
Sometimes coping mechanisms aren’t enough and there are days I consider taking medication again. And maybe someday I will, BUT for now, these work for me.
If you think you have ADHD, talk with your doctor! Just because you may get diagnosed, doesn’t mean you have to take any medication. For me, having a diagnosis is more about peace of mind, being able to allow myself grace in certain areas, and to not feel guilty.
When researching ADHD, there were a lot of articles about relationship problems with significant others who did not have ADHD. Again, my husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, so he understands symptoms and even how it feels. I’m sure it would be much harder if my partner didn’t understand how my brain worked- so definitely worth a conversation with the people close to you.
Hoping that my story can help someone who may feel overwhelmed a lot. Or like noise is in your head all day. Or like you can’t keep up. Or you walk into a room and can’t remember why. Or you were late paying that bill again. Or you dread doing the dishes every.time.
Same girl. Same.
xoxo, Katy